Are you kind to yourself?
Today I was invited by the lovely We Are Sparkle, to attend a Business Confidence talk by Sharon MacArthur from Red Handbag . The talk was great and Sharon brought up some brilliant points about not trying to be like everyone else and appreciating your uniqueness, having the confidence to say no, building a team (or a tribe I like to think of it as) being brave and not worrying about the things you can't control.
All very sensible and valid points but half way through after the question 'when did yo last say well done to yourself?' I felt the familiar bubble of tears!!
OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO CRY! In a room full of strangers, for no tangible reason and with no explanation I could feel it coming! Luckily the Sparkle Lasses had provided chocolate so I ate my tears away with a mini fudge and carried on. But it took me by surprise and it didnt go away! It's made me realise that for a little while I've been feeling a bit disconnected and discombobulated! I should set the scene for you....
I used to be a really confident proffessional, running shows and looking after a whole Theatre on my todd with no issues. I could talk through evacuation procedures with the firefighters, heck Im even a trained door supervisor. But returning from my first maternity leave left a gap in my confidence and I guess that has just grown, so as I gave up my career and became a stay at home mum I guess my confidence just dwindled. This in itself is a huge mental adjustment. But I didnt realise quite how much until Wednesday when I realised that mentally I had made about 10 excuses not to attend the event. I knew I would be late (the logistical nightmare of school runs etc) and I would have to walk into a room full of strangers BUT I made myself go and everyone was lovely and kind and intereting and INTERESTED
I have though, spend all day in a tizzy, I think of myself as a really positive person and I talk of silver linings a lot but proffessionally Im so busy concentrating on what I haven't done that Im missing what I have acheived and its starting to spill into my personal life. Today made me realise a lot of unkind things that Im doing to myself and Im going to bare my soul and tell you about them
Emotional Eating - I admit it Im an emotional eater and my weight gain over Christmas has triggered a vicious circle of comfort eating and disliking myself even more, so comfort eating even more. But loading my body with sugar salt and rubbish really has an effect on my mood and health.
Being Hard on Myslef -this list is endless, I havent ironed in weeks, I havent sorted the loft, the house is untidy the fidge needs a clean.... I shant go further I know you know the drill.
Self Sacrifice - OK its not as dramatic as it sounds Im not offering myself to some volcano to save an island! But I havent gone for a haircut, night out, half an hour of peace even, for a long time. I don't make any time for myself and even my planned peaceful bath's never last more than 10 minutes. Today Sharon asked if you could have 30 mintes just for you what would you do and honestly Id like to sit still and quiet and listen to my thoughts!
Listening to My Inner Bully - You know the one Im talking about, your inner voice the one who tells you that you look awful in that photo, the house is shameful, you missed your target or didnt complete the list. We are so hard on ourselves and you know what if someone actually spoke like that to our children/bestie/family we would be the first to leap in and defend them. So why oh why do we (I mean why dont I!) shut that inner voice up with a, yeah it may be a rubbish photo but look at the fun we are having, or yep the house is a mess but see how happy my kids are? They dont care....
Now I'll be honest with you, I normally end these types of posts with an uplifting plan filled paragraph of how things will get better, but Im afaid not today. I can say all of these things that Ive realised today but Ive not yet got a plan, Ive just got a tear streaked face and the knowledge that something has to change this mummy does not want her kids growing up thinking it normal to treat yourself this unkindly
Logistically I can't find the childcare, or finance to attend a course to get me back on track, so this is down to me, and I won't lie, building my own confidence and self esteem feels daunting but I'm sure it's do-able.
I will end however asking you when the last time was that you told yourself well done? Can't remember? Well listen here, well done for today, well done for being the best you could be for getting through the day and being the brilliant person you are.
Posted with Blogsy by The Monkeyfooted Mummy 
First of all I want to say well done for writing this - I'm sure a lot of people up and down the country will see part of themselves in this post. I definitely self sacrifice and am hard on myself (although not as much as I once was).
ReplyDeleteMy tip would be to try and shift your whole perspective to a positive one. I know it's easier said than done but worth a go. Why not write down three achievements for that day every night? Whether this be having the time to read the children a bed time story, completing a blog post or cleaning out the kitchen cupboards. It's always good to reflect back on your achievements and focus on these.
I think you forget your achievements and it will be good to write them down. 2 years ago would you ever have imagined a huge car company asking you to review a car? Out of the 300+ bloggers in the North East they want to work with you! The same with brands such as teletubbies ect..... huge international brands can see your potential and worth so it's time you started to do this too.
I think it's hard when your youngest starts nursery and it's a difficult transition - on paper you should have loads of time to keep the house tidy and crack on with work but let me tell you in reality it simply isn't that easy and you're not alone. I don't think you get actual time to do things until all your children are in full time school so don't be hard on yourself about that.
Finally, you need a plan to celebrate you. If you would like 30 minutes to yourself then so be it. Leave the kids with hubby one night and take a walk along the beach by yourself or something. Take the time to look at your surroundings, the trees, the sky, the birds ect that you are normally too busy to notice. This works for me and results in me feeling a lot more content and happy. I think it will do you the world of good :-)
Thanks Sam, I love that you are always the voice of reason and calm x
Deletewell done for being so open and honest. Thats the first step and i understand the inner bully completely. I came away and felt so inspired and have told myself since then all the things that i have achieved rather than beating myself up about the things i havent. I am generally a half full type of person but recently things (hormones to be exact) have changed my thinking and i am being way too hard on myself. So i have a strategy now to big myself up a bit more (im not telling anyone) to see if they notice. Take the time out you deserve and you will start to see the person you used to be come back with a vengeance and that will make everyone happy. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Nicola, you should definitely start bigging yourself up, I think its well deserved! But man alive those hormones!!! I'm a slave to them we have to fight back ;-)
DeleteAww bless you Karen. I'm sure so many - if not most women - can identify with what you've said here and it was a very brave thing to write. Being a SAHM is hard. Very hard. I was just telling my husband tonight that now that I am getting more and more free time with my youngest doing 9 hours of nursery I have only just realised how much of myself I have lost over the past 8 years. I sometimes think I suffer from over-confidence in that my ambitions outweigh my capabilities, lol, but the over-eating and comfort eating I totally get and this is what I'm concentrating on right now. For the past year - since starting my business - I've regained some of "me". This is the last piece of the puzzle. Operation "reduce size of bottom" ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this. It was helpful. You should try to come to Inspire meetings. I find them very useful and there's often good speakers. xxx
Aww bless you Karen. I'm sure so many - if not most women - can identify with what you've said here and it was a very brave thing to write. Being a SAHM is hard. Very hard. I was just telling my husband tonight that now that I am getting more and more free time with my youngest doing 9 hours of nursery I have only just realised how much of myself I have lost over the past 8 years. I sometimes think I suffer from over-confidence in that my ambitions outweigh my capabilities, lol, but the over-eating and comfort eating I totally get and this is what I'm concentrating on right now. For the past year - since starting my business - I've regained some of "me". This is the last piece of the puzzle. Operation "reduce size of bottom" ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this. It was helpful. You should try to come to Inspire meetings. I find them very useful and there's often good speakers. xxx
I should come along, I lose track of them, maybe Ill see you at the next one
DeleteXxx a hard post to write sweetie but a good one.
ReplyDeleteLists!!!!!!
List everything.
My to do list is huge and I barely cross anything off but it's a huge sense of achievement when I finally do.
But don't only list to dos, list your done's....... OK you've not cleaned the fridge or ironed (who cares...I never iron lol) but you've cleaned the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, put the washing away and made dinner right? That's a huge list. Look back over it which a sense of achievement and wonder. You did that!!!!!
Xx
I have been mentally listing all my completed achievements this week! Its actually making me do more!
DeleteRead Ruby Wax book Frazzled, it's all about what you have just spoke about.
ReplyDeleteOff to search for it!
DeleteRead Ruby Wax book Frazzled, it's all about what you have just spoke about.
ReplyDelete