Many of you will know that last year we lost the kids' lovely Nana. I posted about taking a break and healing and to be honest since then my blogging has been sporadic and if I'm honest a bit crap.
I've been vowing to 'get back to it' for months but somehow it's gotten harder and harder to start writing and it's become scary now!
I love blogging. I love getting messages from my readers to say they've enjoyed something I've wrote and I still have a desire for it but in dealing with the grief of my family and its effect on my husband, he who is the rock, the safety net, the calm and logical one, I've lost the safety blanket of our calm, content and smooth running life, and with that comes anxiety which in turn makes me think
'do people even read my blog'
'why would anyone want to read my ramblings'
'am I ever going to be as good as...'
***let me insert here, I truly beleive in 'comparison is the thief of joy' and try hard to push this one away
'but I'm rubbish'
'I don't know what to say'
'What will people think'
Mostly though my best writing happens as monologues in my head and I never believe it translates well to actual words. And so as soon as I'm faced with a computer I freeze!
I currently feel like my life is in chaos and have felt this way for a while, I cant seem to get a handle on things and writing gets pushed to the bottom of the pile, behind looking after my kids and my husband, trying to be a good wife and mother and a good housewife and cook. Balancing the many activities that we do and all of the other stuff I take on because I'm as mad as a box of wasps! But all of this makes me anxious and when Im anxious I'm critical of myself and I don't lie so surely the things I tell myself (that list above is just for starters, must be true!
So as today is World Mental health Day I figured its the perfect day to say, I've been a crap blogger because I've been fighting with anxiety, even saying that makes me anxious!
But I'm taking a gentle approach to healing and I will get back to writing because it's time now to get back to it or stop completely and it's dawned on me one thing I love to do ,and do every day, is cook. So for a while, to flex my writing muscles, I shall be bringing you recipes and hopefully the good, non food, stuff will follow (including my letter to Termite for her 4th birthday, poor third child never gets the good parenting!)
Sending you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling like this.
Don't be too hard on yourself! People are interested in what you have to say. I know I'm not the only one who reads here!
Family always comes first but we're here to read when you are ready x
Ah I think you need to still be kind to yourself. Grief is a strange thing and different for everyone - you just need to work through it in your own space and time and forget about your blog and the pressures it holds.
ReplyDeleteI know the material is sad but I liked reading this and your words again xx
Have you thought of a dictaphone? Maybe you could just dictate how you are feeling if sitting at a laptop causes you to freeze - then simply type the words as they flow and hit publish? Worth a try xxx
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